# of divers

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Open Girl Scout Season

Yes boys and girls, it's that special time of year again.

The time of year where little girls will suit up in matching green armor to unleash their fierce wit, unassuming smiles, and charm capable of reducing any living, breathing being into a pile of nothingness, rendering one helpless to hand over their wallets and quietly acquiesce to their demands.

Atlanta Magazine now reports that the “new” Girl Scouts run like a Fortune 500 corporation. With $700 million in cookie sales, it is now the nation’s largest female-directed enterprise. These young female entrepreneurs have become a legion of sorts.

...and they're off to the races.


This season, don't be fooled by the warm, cheerful smiles and direct eye contact from these baked cookie-wielding mollies.

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You see, these darling little ladies have an eee-vil plan, a vendetta if you will, and that is to take you for everything you're worth.


From afar, the common Girl Scout species may seen young, innocent and harmless, but be advised, these young women clad in head to toe green are heavily armed with the required skills necessary to sell cookies to anyone, yes anyone.

even this guy

 Those plagued by high blood sugar levels and impaired glucose tolerance should be on high alert throughout the season.


Again, I must warn you that these young tarts are highly specialized professionals outfitted with real life skills such as, how to crotchet, budget money, how to be leaders, and how to otherwise "be prepared".

Of greatest concern, is that they are exceedingly adept with hunting for the weak, vulnerable and sugar-deprived, pushing their overpriced sweet treats onto poor unsuspecting victims throughout the country.

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Psst! Hey you!
 Little girl with the freebased-laced baked goods.
Yes, you little girl. 
You in the green sash riddled with shiny buttons and sew-on honor patches.

Stop selling me those delicious, mouthwatering cookies and go home!!!

Is it not enough that you have forever changed our sweet cravings, as well as the face of fashion?


Stop with the unsolicited vending of mouthwatering cookies that I buy in mahoosive amounts,  justifying my impulsive purchases with grandiose visions of storing them in my freezer for the remainder of the year, only for them to never live to see the inside walls of any icebox.

Go now, in peace, before I finish my 17th box and there will be hell to pay.


Good riddance to you and your equally encroaching troop, so that I may walk the streets free from the fear of your undertaking.

Allow me the freedom to live in a world where I no longer have to succumb to the downright assault from my supervisor's daughters knocking on my office door, bearing order forms and leaving me with little option other than emptying my pockets for the sake of your heinous cause.


And as for you girls harrassing me every time I step foot outside my grocery store, I've news for you, I already have a dealer in my neighborhood, a young female aggressor who has taken me (and my wallet) hostage.

I'm doing whatever it takes to avoid the rest of your unwarranted advancements, even if it means I have to use suction cups on all fours to get up and around you, and shimmy my way out from the market via an airduct.

This mean you, just you, little girl.

Those boy scouts never hassle me with such aggresive bewitchery when it comes to popcorn sales. Do you realize you've diminished the capacity for these poor young lads to raise their own funds because they must compete with your crack-cocaine in the form of a street cookie?


Do you even know that the Boy Scouts sell popcorn?!?

...and what on the face of the planet are you doing with the millions you've allocated in funds?

What's that you say? Tough cookies?!?

Oooh, I'll get you my pretties, and your little dogs too, and their unborn puppies. 

Good riddance little lassies, get on with your honorable lives of crafting, roller skating, teamwork, using your cpr skills to rescue frail dying baby kittens, and bandaging infant birds that have fallen from trees.


In the meantime, please excuse me as I indulge in the delicious goodness of crisps that seethe with the perfect chocoloatey crunch and the slight note of mint.

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I hate you Thin Mints!

Please pardon my absence as I devour a handful of peanut butter and chocolate heavenly bits.


I don't know how you sleep at night you wretched, assholey Tagalogs

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How I loathe and detest the insatiable yearning I have for you Samoas, and the bastard some more ah's, and some more ah hankerings that follow.


Damn you to the deepest place in hell you nasty, buttery Trefoils, the tasty shortbread fit for dipping into my Bailey's and milk AND perfectly suitable for artery obstruction.

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...and now in 2013, you have a new variety on the streets, the Mango Creme variety with a questionable 'NutriFusion' Ingredient.


Who the hell wants nutrition in our beloved treats?
They're cookies for chrissakes!

Oh, bloody hell have mercy on our poor souls for we are weak with insatiable cravings for refined carbohydrates and sugared fuel sources. We can not help being additionally crippled with sweetoothy afflictions.

THIS IS AMERICA YOUNG LADIES!

We reserve to have the right to choose what foods we place in our bodies,
if only we had the inner strength to do so.

I surrender!
Uncle!
Mercy!

I'll do anything, anything, just please give me a hit of that chocolatey thin mint goodness. You can have it, you can have it all! The pin code to my atm card, unlimited access to my retirement funds, and every last cent in my pocketbook.

Oh can't you see that "C" is for cookie, and one is just not good enough for me!


It's about to get ugly, folks.
Real ugly.


Next time, just buy the damn cookies.

x
         

2 comments:

Neopacific said...

Brilliant and devastatingly witty! . What sharp teeth you have Ringo Firefly. I will definitely be looking forward to reading more.

Ringo Firefly said...

A gracious thank you for your kind, warm and fuzzy words Neopacific! Sharptoothy, yes, but I only bite people who steal my girl scout cookies x

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